Elle UK
March 2011
And rightly so. What haven’t I done which perhaps I should have? A lot is the answer to that question. I could go on ad nauseum about the things I should have done by now; be employed, cut my hair, transferred my money, cut my nails, returned those boots, found an illustrator…the list goes on. Some things on the list are more pressing than others, yet I still haven’t done them.
Esther Freud, yes of THE Freuds and author of Hideous Kinky, writes that many of use have lives that are “littered with regrets over unfulfilled ambitions”. At 23, I do not think that I can be bracketed into this category- when I look back on life, there is not much I can look back and regret or wish I had done differently. However, there are times when I do feel a little bit scared or anxious that I may sit back a bit and let life go past.
As a graduate, and yes you will find me referring to this a lot because it has coloured who I am and what I am doing at the moment. I see other graduates and wish I had done that a bit better or checked that or looked at that. But on the flipside I also think that maybe that’s they way it should have been or was meant to be. Is that a bit of a cop out?
Freud refers to the ambition to write in her study, and even her own beginnings in to writing in between acting in her earlier years. This writing that she did for “three hours each morning, every morning, first thing” became her debut novel. Her own mother, decided to spend her 60th birthday in the mountains of Mexico in an orchard nursery and then self published a book she wrote about her adventures. The reason, I am specifically putting this in is because I have mentioned here, on my blog, that I have begun writing. Yeah? So far, I have about ten random words on a page that aren’t even a coherent sentence. Pitiful.
So what is it that is stopping me. And in answer to Freud’s “Why haven’t you done it yet?”, I would say time and fear. Quite simply. A friend of Freud’s went to see a therapist in order to suss out why she kept being drawn away from her ambition to write and after s few sessions she professed it is “success I’m terrified of, not failure”.
Success is not what I fear, I would say it is not knowing what the heck I am going to write and the fear of being laughed at. With so many beautiful writers out there, can I really compliment them or is it a case of the bargain bin for me- this is assuming I even get published (but first I must actually write). But after I finished reading, I must admit that I did feel inspired and motivated. So watch this space and I will keep you better updated with things.
To conclude, I too was touched by Kristin Scott T’s admittance of being terrified of going out on stage but in response to this she replied that she is “also very brave”. And so am I.
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